Day 9: Five Not So Simple Things!

Left Jaw Pain: 1/10
Right Jaw Pain: 3/10
Hip Pain: 4/10 (due to choking and a long walk)
Inconvenience factor: 7/10

I've encountered a number of things today that in every day life would pass by completely unnoticed. However, with a fat, swollen, wired together face, these very things are not so simple! 

Yes, these five are in addition to the ones I have already mentioned such as eating without dribbling, talking so people can understand, using a straw, holding a phone to your head, sleeping on your side etc.

I shall never take these 5 humble simple things for granted ever again! 

1) YAWNING: I woke up this morning after the first reasonable sleep I've had all week, rolled onto my back, stretched my arms above my head and went for that deeply satisfying yawn to suck in all the the glorious morning air. Once committed, I quickly realised the error of my ways - Oh Good Grief - All my elastics are still in!!!!! My face contorted, I puffed out my cheeks, grimaced and sucked in as much air through my nose as was possible and prayed. Somehow I managed to avert disaster, with thankfully, neither elastics or jaw popping.

2) SHAVING YOUR ARMPITS: Yes, I am well aware that this is going to be overshare, but I don't really care. This morning I decided it was time to stop slobbing it quite so much. I figured a quick underarm shave wouldn't go astray. Now if I asked you how you shaved your underarms, apart from looking at me strangely, I wonder how many of you could actually answer without pretending to do it, to check. Well let me tell you. You turn your head and look down into your armpit to see what your doing. When your face and neck is swollen, you can't turn your head as far as normal AND all that your eyes can see is your big fat swollen cheek! Aargh! 

3) PLUCKING A HAIR OFF OF YOUR FACE OR POPPING A ZIT: Clearly, personal grooming was an issue today but there was a rogue hair and a small pimple (no mum, I didn't squeeze it - I couldn't) on my chin. Normally, these two things could be sorted in seconds without blinking an eye. When your chin is completely numb, not so easy. Actually, one hell of a challenge. There is no feedback for how the zit squeeze is going and the skin between your fingernails wobble all over the place. As for the hair, tweezers are downright dangerous when you have no sensation. Have I pinched the hair or my flesh!?!??! Knowing this BEFORE you pull is very very handy!!!

4) APPLYING LIP GLOSS: Such a simple thing, applying lip gloss. It's something you can ordinarily do 100 times a day without noticing. I can do it using only one hand, not looking, whilst driving backwards through an obstacle course (ok a wee exaggeration but you get my point)! My previous dexterity is no more. I'm not 100% sure if it is simply because my lips are not actually where I left them when I went into surgery or if the numbness is responsible. Maybe it's both but whichever the case, I'm now stuck staring at myself in a mirror to get the gloss in the right place!

5) SWALLOWING A TABLET: I have just started a new course of antibiotics. Apparently, I am no longer worthy of liquid and was prescribed tablets. This made me a bit apprehensive but the lady in the chemist suggested that I could always crush them. My liquid antibiotics ran out last night and this morning I was feeling good, so I thought I'd give swallowing a tablet a crack! Sure, my swollen neck means I can't tilt my head back very far and nothing but liquid and mush has passed my lips in 9 days but what is the worst that could happen - if it doesn't work, I'll spit it out, crush it and try again? I'm not a crazy fool optimist guys, I broke the table in half first. 

All I can say now is BIG MISTAKE!!!! I took a generous swig of water, threw my head back and then tried putting the tablet into my mouth. This is where it all started to go wrong. With a numb lip, there is no easy way to guide the tablet into the sweet spot on the tip of your tongue. Instead the lip acts as a big flubby mass, that impedes the entry of the tablet into your mouth and because you are now pushing it around, water starts leaking out. It took two hands to manipulate the tablet into my mouth and between my teeth, one hand moving lips aside, locating teeth whilst maintaining the water seal, one stuffing furiously. Once inside my mouth, my sore tongue could not control the tablet and in a "What the hell?" moment, I closed my eyes and swallowed.

I swear to you, I swallowed that half tablet right UP my nose! I am not sure if it is even possible, but that is exactly what it felt like. One half dose of antibiotics right up the backdoor of my nostril! I tried coughing, gagging, half choking but to no avail, all I ended up doing was hurting my hip wound. That tablet was there to stay. The other half was most convincingly crushed to a PULP before consumption!